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Friday, January 27, 2017

Entrusting my heart



Thirty years. That is how long I’ve been married. Hard to believe it’s been that long.  February 14, 1987 was the day I began my journey into marriage. 

Entering my twenties, I just couldn’t see myself getting married. I was carrying around a lot of baggage and deep scars. The Lord had begun a healing process in me at that time, nevertheless I didn’t see myself as good marriage material. 

But also a deeper question lingered. Could I entrust my heart to him? Every man up to that point had hurt me deeply. I had been through abuse. I was taking a big risk giving myself to him. 

So when we starting getting serious, instead of getting giddy with excitement, I guess you could say I was a bit hesitant. I remember one evening standing in the glow of a beautiful sunset praying about my upcoming decision. Just feeling so unsure and scared to take the plunge. 

I will never forget the peace and rest the Lord gave, while I gazed at the sunset. It was one of those turning points in my life. 

I did take the risk to love and to be loved. Did I still get hurt? Did the old scars flare up? Did my husband let me down? I think you know the answers . Yes, yes and yes. 

I had to learn in little and big ways to entrust my heart to him. I had to let him love me. He was a safe place. He saw the good, the bad and the downright ugly. I am a very blessed woman to have him. 

We journeyed together through tough seasons, ups and downs, awesome times...just life. 

I began another journey ten years before my marriage. At that time in my life, I was a mess. The abuse I went through left me shattered. Out of protection, I closed myself in. I was just surviving. 

I entrusted myself to someone then. Someone I had known since I was a toddler. This person took me in and changed my life forever. I gave Him my shattered, torn, scarred heart. I entrusted it to Him. 

He tenderly took it and began to heal the pain, began to show me a better way to live. Really live and not just survive. 

I began to walk with Him, began to trust Him with struggles, doubts, and fears. We walked together through deep valleys, mountaintops, miles and miles of uncertain territory. Sometimes He had to carry me. We did life together. 

He was constant, and trustworthy. He satisfied my hungry, longing soul. He gave me strength, peace, rest, and a inner joy. 

I’m sure by now you probably guess who it is....

Jesus, my wonderful, sweet Jesus. My all in all. What would I be without Him? Where would I be? Scary to think about. 

Kind of like the turtle on a fence post. If you see one, you know someone put it there. It didn’t get there by itself obviously. I would not be where I am or be what I am without Jesus’ touch in my life. 

You see, bottom line, it’s a relationship, not religion. You can entrust your heart your life to Him. 

Human relationships are awesome. I am so blessed to have many wonderful friendships, and family. It’s how we are wired and created to be. 

Yet far above the human ones is the Divine connection. You have a hole, a vacuum in your soul that can only be filled by God. You’ve tried to fill that hole with so many things and people. The yearning doesn’t cease. 

My heart burns, yearns within me and only Jesus can satisfy and fill that emptiness. This is my passion, what drives me. 

Know Jesus, know life.

You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11